The Second Date

The first date jitters are out of the way, and it’s on to date number two. Your emotions are still in a whirl but for entirely different reasons. No longer are you worried about knocking the shoes off your date with a dazzling first impression. That’s done. You did it or you didn’t. Not to worry.

Even if you weren’t James Bond or Kim Basinger, you impressed your date enough to secure a second shot. Now the stakes are higher. If your first date was a rousing success, the next one better be fantastic. If date number one was so-so, date number two better score higher on the dating scale.

Understandably, you’re going to feel a bit stressed as well as excited, hopeful, flattered, challenged, optimistic, and even giddy. That’s okay. Everybody feels a smorgasbord of emotions when the flicker of a potential love match has been ignited. What you want to do is chill out, keep your expectations in check, and make sure this budding relationship doesn’t burn out before it even begins.

Is It Really a Second Date?

The first thing I want you to do is make sure you’re dealing with a bona fide second date. In Dr. Joy’s Perfect World of Dating, you met your date through friends, asked him or her out to lunch, had fun, and arranged to meet again. In the imperfect world we all live in, you may have met your date in class, at a party, on the street. You said, “I’m going to Starbucks for a cappuccino.

Wanna come?” He went, bought his own cup of coffee, chatted with you, had a few laughs, and gave you his phone number when you offered yours. Technically, you had a date. But who deals in technicalities when girls dating is concerned? In reality, you had more of a date-ette than a date.

Dates versus date-ettes

A date lasts at least three hours, is planned ahead of time, and takes place after noon in ironed clothing. A date-ette is spontaneous, can last a few minutes or an hour or two, takes place day or night, and doesn’t even require a shower.
This distinction is unimportant until we begin speaking about second dates, because you have to know when the first date occurred. So first get clear in your own head what your first date really was.

If it was indeed a date, good for you: Your second date is an authentic second date, and you’re right on track. If your first get-together was really a date-ette, however, then the next time you two go out, you’re really on official date number one — or maybe one and a half. That’s okay. There are no hard and fast rules here. But you may want to flip back to the chapters on first dates and take it from there if you’ve only had a date-ette.

This chapter is for solid second-daters, not second-date wannabes. First dates can be date-ettes, but second dates have to be dates. The progression flows naturally. If it doesn’t — if you keep spontaneously grabbing a bite to eat or a cup of coffee — you’re not dating. You’re hanging out.

Anatomy of a true second date

A first date is takeoff — your seatback is in the upright position, your tray table is stowed, you’ve buckled your seatbelt and are listening intently to make sure that the engines are on full throttle. A second date is climbing to cruising altitude. You’re on the way to your destination. You’re up in the air.

You hope the pilot didn’t have a martini with her lunch, the flight attendant didn’t have a fight with his girlfriend, and the skies are not cloudy all day. In other words, a second date is the beginning of a settling-in period. Sometimes, a second date is wishing you were there already. Mostly, it’s trying to sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.

Whereas your first date is about fantasy — getting your hair done, being on your best behavior, and looking at your date through rose-colored glasses — your second date is the beginning of reality. You let your hair down a bit; you reveal the real — or realer — you; and you see your date through a magnifying glass, if not reading glasses. Table 19-1 continues the discussion about what a second date is and isn’t.

In Between One and Two

Everything that happens between the first date and the second has an effect on date number two:

  • If it was lust at first sight and you both have been whispering sweet nothings over the phone all week, your second date will look much different than it would if your date took ten days to call you again. Bear that in mind when you embark on date number two.
  • Your second date may seem either more intense or more subdued than it actually is. There’s simply no substitution for time when it comes to really knowing someone and understanding how he or she will (or won’t) fit into your life. Don’t short-circuit the time you really need to tap how you really feel.
  • If more than two weeks have passed between date number one and date number two, your second date is likely to feel more like a first date. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Bellar Shelley